TurtleOSX

Ive always had this feeling or aspiration that whatever I've wanted in life wasn't really a crazy lot. Cozy life with people I enjoy around me, a small place to call my own or even with roommates. Working at a company that I find genuine value it, namely video games these days as they provide a genueine form of escapism to this shitty world, and just living a not crazy wild life style. I just feel as the years go on the system just wants to drain every single last drop out of you. It's extremely hard just to want a normal life. It feels like all it is is getting beaten down by the world over and over again. Whether it's shitty politicans, a global pandemic taking years away from us, or any other shitty awful financial deal. It sucks. Nothing is working out how it should and its never going to get better. We get there's problems but change feels impossible. I just want to have a normal life.

its one of those stupid dumb phrases that always gets repeated. something along the lines of like, "cherish the time you have with people because you never know how long it'll be till you see them again/or won't be able to" or something along those lines. I really get it now. I think its a bit cheesy/corny but its just, its true. I think finally experiencing a death to someone near me just finally put it into perspective about it. the finality of someone close to you being gone finally clicks for me. theres never going to be another chance to see them, or do another thing with them. i really want to cherish my friends. the people around me I actualyl care about. i want them to know that i really appreciate them in my life. i want them to know theyre so important to me and that I truly love them. I feel like I hold back a lot of those feelings because sometimes it can feel weird to let people know but, just imagining I lost one of my friends or anyone close to me. I would want them to

i'm thinking I kind of need a journal or something to get thoughts out that are on my mind into the world/online. im hoping this could be a good place for it. earlier this month my dad passed away. he was 71. i didn't have the best relationship with him in the last few years of his life (maybe 2017-2022) and I really hadn't talked to him in months/years since prior to his passing. i just wish things were different. i wish my family couldve had a happy, loving enviroment where we all enjoyed each others company but that never was to be. whether it be a mix of how my parents met and got together, my dads upbringing and friend influences and mistakes in raising a family, i just wish it were better. i dont really remember the last time i actively tralked to him. I think i was me helping with his facebook or amazon fire tablet. I think we hugged. Its ahrd to remember. It was definetly months and months before his passing. I remmeber a few weeks before he passed away he called me on